I’ve found myself in a pickle… a pickle of, I’ve put myself in this position of wanting to have this company that’s all about motivation and inspiration, and I’m sitting here like a lazy bump on a log. Depressed and unhappy. Can you say fraud?!?! Let’s just be honest about everything that’s going on shall we? Because hell, in the past I have, why stop today.
I think a big part of being physical healthy, is being mentally healthy as well. And as my therapist says… (yes, I seek therapy because you know what, being able to open up and talk to an un-bias’ed party about the thoughts, negative and positive, going through your head is amazing..) And for me, it all started with being physically unhealthy, and getting injured. And that has directly effected my mental health. My stress and anxiety outlet everyday, was going to CrossFit, kicking ass and taking names. And now that’s gone. And yes, I swim, and I do other things, but it’s just not the same. So now, I am sitting here, gaining weight, feeling unhealthy, an anxious, stressed, mess, and it’s affecting every single aspect of my life. I can’t even start to explain to my friends and family what’s going on, and that also kills!
AND THE BIGGEST thing it’s been affecting, is T2T. T2T, like most of you guys who will read this knows, is my life. Creating this amazing company that I envision changing the way we look at ourselves, and us as athletes, is all I want…. Having a company that’s WAY more about it’s customers and FRIENDS (what I call each and every one of you) than what I’m selling this month, and making that SUCCESSFUL, is what I want, and what I strive for, and what causes me the most amount of anxiety.
From the business side, I put it all on myself. Even though we have employees and people helping us, it’s not on them, it’s on me. When I upset people, it’s on me… when something’s not in stock, it’s on me… when we are out of money, it’s on me. When something is wrong with an order, it’s on me. And before, I was able to, at the end of the day, workout, and the endorphins would get released, and the stress would go away, and I would just plug back away at work. But from the PERSONAL side of the business, you guys say, I’m an inspiration, and I motivate people, and that’s EXACTLY what I want, but…. I’m not doing that because I’m sitting here, putting a smile on my face that just masks the anxiety and sadness I feel right now. (wow that sounds horrible when I re-read that HAHAHA (and I swear thats a genuine laugh haha)). I think business’ go through hard times in life, but so do the people behind them! But back to this idea of being a fraud, not being that person that I was before, and that you all think I am… the one who’s real and who’s struggles are real and who opens up about them, and at the same time conquers them, so that you guys can see that you’re not alone. Here’s the other big problem.. because I have so many old past issues, I can’t accept compliments. So when people say I’m an inspiration or thank you, I want to believe them, and I know they mean it, but to me, all I think is, no way, I’m not doing anything special, they must be talking about someone else… Ugh, i mean hey, let’s just lay it all out there shall we. lol. I want to be that rock for everyone, but I think I need a rock right now!
So why am I talking about this? I don’t know, maybe I’m just venting, because I’m at a low, and maybe I’m not the only one going through this, everyone goes through ups and downs right, we just have to figure out what it is that will help get us OUT of the down, and get us back on our way up.