Inner monologue while trying on clothes…. Me or everyone?

I-immediately-regret-this-decision-anchormanOk, here starts the guessing game of what looks good on the mannequins and what’s going to ACTUALLY look good on me. 

Why do they always put the dressing room where it’s hardest to find it??? I really hope these clothes look good on me, they REALLY looked good in the posters… but yet, everything looks good on the posters. I need a cute dress for the summer, something white with maybe a chambray top over it when it gets chilly. I love summer… Dresses, dresses, dresses, cover up the fupa! hahaha.

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Here goes nothing!

Ok, I finally get to the dressing room, shit, 8 piece minimum, what if I have 3 sizes of each piece? 24 goes down to 8! 

14/16/18 for the bottoms and dresses, large/xl/xxl for the tops – I hate this guessing game of what is ACTUALLY going to fit… But I totally hate putting on the small stuff and having it not fit – let’s start with the big stuff, it will make me feel like I’m losing weight! haha! At least Old Navy carries all the sizes I might need. Thanks for that bros!


Ugh, why do they have to have a mirror on EVERY damn wall inside this box of hell! Oh, I have hot legs. Damn girl, look at dem LEGS.

And these fluorescent lights?!?!?! Did the creators of dressing rooms think “let’s make women feel at their WORST when trying on clothes”??? That CAN’T be good for business. Why did I decide to eat lunch before coming here?? Once I take off this shirt, you’re going to see it… Well, nothing’s going to fit right because I’m bloated and full…. right?

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IMG_2334 (1)Do they like you staring at the flaws that I work hard to not worry about on a DAILY BASIS? 

I understand they want you to see the clothes from every angle, but DAMN! I don’t need to see myself in this light, I’m already self conscious enough, and I’m not supposed to. We are supposed to love our bodies, so get out of your head, Andrea, you look great, even with this wedgie! Do the designers of these clothes ever think about ME when they are designing these clothes? How come this shirt makes me look pregnant, the top is too big and the hem on it is too high. Maybe I got a maternity top on accident?!? I need to call my mom, she needs to know how upset I am, maybe she will calm me down.

I would rather be in a hot bath of coals right now instead of trying on these clothes. 

WHY DOES NOTHING FIT MY ARMS!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHINGGGGGG NOTTA, ZIP ZILTCH!!!!

tumblr_inline_n9hlbsfCQl1qgt12iWHY DO PEOPLE KEEP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. Can’t they see I’m STRUGGLING IN HERE?!?!

OMG is my ass really that big? I guess I do squat. 

Oooooo, but if I turn this way, my butt really does look good, hmmm. Maybe I could pull off a hot swimsuit this summer. Wait, turn, nope, nope, why can’t I just stand sideways and have my butt look perfect from one view ALL THE TIME. Just from the side. hahaha.

I shouldn’t have worn my grannie panties today, didn’t I know that I would be trying on clothes today? 

All my cute undies were in the wash, so now I have to try on all these clothes while wearing my awesome “wash day” underroos. I should have known better. They bunch. But they are so damn comfortable. Who cares. Shit, I just want to go pants-less for the rest of my life. Life is better without pants.

tumblr_inline_ng0oaq3Xf91qb7awlBATHING SUITS?!?!? YEAH RIGHT. 

Next please, why did I even pick this up.

Ok, nothing works, it either looks like a sausage casing or an oversized poncho. I’m going home. Eff this!

Why do I try on clothes, it never works out. Instead I am just going to do what I normally do, buy what I think will fit, take it home, try it on in the environment where I totally set it up so I look BANGING in the mirror, and then realize nothing fits, decide you’ll take it back, and then just add it to the pile of clothes you need to return in your trunk. At least this way will be less detrimental.

(puts everything back on the rack, leaves empty handed) 

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I’ll just buy everything online and return it once I try it on. JK look at these tops – (grabs 5 tops takes them to register, checks out, calls it a day).

Phew. That was horrible. I NEED A DRINK

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One reply on “Inner monologue while trying on clothes…. Me or everyone?

  • Morgan

    This blog was hilarious and sadly the norm for dressing room experiences sometimes! I have to add that Old Navy is normally my go to for work out gear (when I’m not wearing T2T tanks!!) and work clothes but recently I haven’t found ANYTHING that looks cute. It “fits” but looks hideous. Hopefully the get their butts in gear to make things look cute on real women again!!! In the meantime, I’ll continue wearing clothes I bought forever ago 🙂

    Reply

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