Can someone tell me why it is we have to beat ourselves up over and over again over stuff that we 100% shouldn’t be beating ourselves up about? Alright, here’s today’s rant… I hate my body again, and why? It was like a switch that flipped, and I’m unhappy again… I swear, loving your body is like bi-polar disease… one minute you hate it, the next you’re happy, and then after that, maybe even like only 6 minutes after, you hate it again.. WHY?!?!
This weekend, I conquered another fear of mine… doing a CrossFit competition all on my own, without my team, AND on top of it, doing it Rx…. Now, normally, that’s pretty awesome, and people want to give you a high-five for being so awesome that you would do that… and doing it, I felt awesome… I had completed something I never thought in a million years I would have ever completed… I was so happy/pumped/proud… I had been SUPER nervous going into it, and it’s funny because someone even made a comment about me in passing, saying, “she seems so outgoing and effortlessly confident” (now if that isn’t the best compliment I could have ever heard about myself, hahaah) MAN I must put on a good poker face, because I was scared SHITLESS! And the whole day was amazing, I had amazing people cheering me on, that I had only met a handful of times, and I didn’t feel like I wasn’t alone… I did well for my ability, and overall, it was just fun. Honestly, that’s the best part of CrossFit, is the community. People pushing you, even if they don’t know you. The post I wrote about why the hell everyone should compete, with a team, everything still applies for doing it by yourself, except you just have to get over the fear of doing it alone….
Everything was peachy, till the next day…. the next day when something was revealed that I didn’t want to be revealed. Here’s a little twist about the competition, on the first workout, you had to be weighed…. because your weight was getting divided by what you lifted in the first workout to give you your placement… now I knew going in, I would be getting weighed, and I didn’t care, because I thought I had been doing great… and I didn’t look at the scale when they weighed me because I didn’t want to get down if something were to not be right.. it’s just a number RIGHT?? Well apparently I was wrong, and the scale was wrong, and everything was just wrong because that number, that number that I finally saw a whole day after the competition on my drive home from NY, made me burst into tears… that number was a number I wasn’t expecting to see…. AND THIS WAS JUST AFTER I HAD THOUGHT I WAS HAPPY WITH MYSELF HAHAAHA… Not sure if you saw this on our FB page, but I was so happy the day before hahaa, proof is in the photo to the left… Is it possible to just cut off my head, or like put the rest of my body in a paper bag and walk around with just an exposed head with perfect hair?? Because apparently all I care about right now is that number on that damn scale that I have PREACHED about not caring about.
Why do we let this happen to ourselves? Why isn’t the fact that I lifted more then all the amazingly strong ladies at the comp enough… why isn’t knowing I’m strong and powerful good enough? Why is self acceptance and body image such a huge issue? Why can’t it just be good enough for us to be strong and healthy and it not matter what it takes our body to look like for us to feel good about ourselves?
I feel like such a hypocrite when all I want to do is celebrate the fact that a year ago, I could have never done this… I was out of shape, super over weight, and miserable… I couldn’t even lift a bar over my head, and now I’m clean and jerking 170lbs… but apparently, that isn’t good enough for me, and I feel like I’m not good enough for society…
GET OUT OF MY HEAD STUPID THOUGHTS, and please welcome back the, I am strong, I am happy, I am me, I am CONFIDENT thoughts… I know that they will come back, but in this moment of weakness, I am sad… and I thought I would tell you about it because I am sure I’m not the ONLY one who rides the emotional body-image roller coaster! 🙂 haha I should be celebrating the fact that I could kick dude’s asses….
So, I’m going to say, here and now, one last time, for all the world to hear… I might not be happy at this moment, but I am going to get passed it, I’m going to NOT care about the number, and I am going to love myself for the BAMF I am…. and if you’re feeling the way I’m feeling, you should think the same thing too…. Let’s say EFF you negative thoughts, you AREN’T WELCOME on this roller coaster anymore! 🙂