• A session sitting on the shrinks couch.

    Inspirational-Bruce-Lee-quotes9Ok, I’m going to be real here for a minute, and maybe make some of you hate me… but I have vowed to be open and talk about issues that I’m having in my personal life, and I think I want to talk about this one… I want to be honest with myself and all of you, the good and the bad, and I want to hold myself to a higher accountability level, not just in weight loss but yeah, in normal life too — so, here we go.

    Have your insecurities ever come back to haunt you? What if you hated something so much that you ended up being the person you hated so much? A situation happened this past weekend, and it really REALLY got me thinking.. I was an asshole to someone that didn’t deserve me being that way to. It was very much out of character for me, and I will say, alcohol had a ton to do with the situation… There’s no excuse for my actions, but I know that alcohol was the main reason this happened… (considering i would have never done this in a sober state)… ANYWAYS, after remembering and being TOLD what I had done and how I had acted, I really wanted to know why. Why did I decide that it was ok to act like that or why did it trigger those feelings? So, that whole question of WHY has triggered this post.

    In middle school and high school I was never EVER a cool/popular kid, I had a few small groups of friends, but that was it. I wasn’t rich, I never had the coolest trends, I always wore baggy clothes to hide the fact that I was chubby.. I was a annoying, overweight, non-attractive average girl, in a small school trying to get through the day without feeling shitty about myself.. now I had my own issues that I had to deal with self-esteem and things I was being told at home, (which I’ve touched upon in past posts and why I believe I have NO self esteem what-so-ever now in life, but of course, when you are 16 you don’t realize that hahaha) A girl that ENVY’ed the popular girls.. of course, you wanted to be like them, it seemed like life was so much better being one of them! But at the same time, they treated you like shit, and you took it. Because, what else are you supposed to do, right? Isn’t that how the high-school food chain works? People that you thought were awesome, made you feel like crap, by picking on you and bullying you, but you took it, you didn’t stand up for yourself because you didn’t know any better, and you thought that was just how the world works. It made high-school really shitty for me. It’s funny, everyone’s always like, man I wish I could go back to high-school, I loved those days… haha nope, no way in hell. The minute I went to college was the best day of my life, I got to be a new person that no one knew, and I wasn’t just this weird-o girl who was trying to fit in… College was the best time of my life, and it was because I got to start fresh, and be the person I really was and wanted to be.. the person you see now.

    I have a lot of inner demons from those days… not only from just feeling like I was worthless from my dads standpoint – but because I never really felt like I got to enjoy my younger teen years… yeah, I sit here and I complain about how shitty school was, but the times I did have with my friends were awesome, I just wish there were more of them, and I wish that there were fewer days that I hated going to school because I knew someone would be picking on something about me…. So what does that have to do with this weekend?

    There’s a girl I know, and she’s really pretty, and looks like a lot of the girls that tormented me in high school… and you can ask anyone, for the most part, I can really mesh and get along with anyone.. but for some reason, I didn’t get to know her, and I labeled her, honestly, felt like I was back in high school… I labeled her a girl that was going to pick on me.. so what did I do? I was a jerk, and while I was drunk I told her I didn’t like her and she was a crappy person… I MEAN WHY? I don’t even know her… but the feelings I had were just that of, put your guard up, before she picks on you, pick on her (which she would have never done because she’s not a jerk like I assumed she was)… Why did I instantly become the person I hated when I was growing up – the tables turned and I was suddenly the mean girl…. was it a defense mechanism? A defense mechanism to WHAT? haha she hadn’t even done anything… I’m probably the only one that has ever done that, and let me tell you, I want to hope you haven’t, because it was mean, horrible and so rude of me to do, but honestly, I really think it just all boils down to high school and my head, with alcohol, just thinking, put your guard up, don’t let it happen again… So, if you’re reading this, and you have a totally different perspective of me, I understand, but I wanted to talk about this because I think it makes sense, and I want to hope I will never go down that path again… I feel like I’m sitting on a shrinks couch right now haha.

  • 82.4lbs down, that's an accomplishment.

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    don’t mind my not so hot face – i just woke up when I took this pic HAHAHA

    So, for some reason, I don’t know if it’s been stress, or frustration or what.. but lately I just have been like sad hahaha… but like sad in a way where I feel like I’m a failure in the gym, in life, I don’t know – WEIRD RIGHT??? (you’re telling me…) anyways… I thought, you know what, I’m going to sit back, relax, and go back and see how far I’ve come in this whole weight loss journey, and that should cheer me up, right? Who cares if I’m not the best at the gym, or the smallest, or what, I’m still working my ass off, but WHY is that making me sad? (maybe it’s just the winter blue’s!)

    Ok so I’ve lost 82.4lbs and that’s with gaining 16# between october and january and losing that and then some. Point is I’m not perfect but I’ve made changes to lose weight but still enjoy life. I’m not strict, I rarely stop drinking all together but I make sure get to the gym everyday (or close to that if I can) and eating clean and healthy (most of the time) but still enjoying life. A slow progressive weight loss that I can keep off is what I would 100% want over a hard, annoying, strict diet and weight loss plan where you can’t have any fun! I know everyone is different, but why isn’t it OK for someone to do it the way I’m doing it? I will say that I’m glad I can have a beer still and not worry about it – yeah I might lose ONE pound in a week instead of SIX, but I’m not stopping my life to do so…

    I will never be slim, and I’m ok with that – I am a strong lady, and I love that.. and maybe that’s why I’m OK with where I’m at right now, I fit into clothes again, I love working out, and sometimes I love how I look, HAHAHAHA, so why am I being told to lose more weight? I just don’t get it.. I don’t get why my head isn’t allowing me to be OK with where I’m at. I would have NEVER imagined that I would be competing in my first crossfit competition in a few weeks, or that I would fit into a size Large and size 12 pants… but I do now, and yeah, so what if 12 isn’t a size 4, but have you seen my ass? I would MUCH rather have a nice strong size 12 ass then a small size 4 stomach! (not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m just saying for myself personally!!!! :))

    I was reading some of my first posts when I first started to lose weight and it’s so funny how I always talked about wanting to be SKINNY, and a size 2, and just a smaller girl all around – and over the past year and a half, I’ve really realized what it means to be fit, healthy and strong, and if that doesn’t come with a low size number or number on the scale, then WHO CARES? I remember starting this whole thing, I did give up a ton, and that’s ok – but I missed out on things… Granted, it did get me down a good 20lbs just first starting out, but my head was in the wrong place… I didn’t know what it meant to be strong, I just knew I had to be small because that’s what society was telling me to do! (and still telling me to do).

    On Saturday when I was at the apparel show, and the whole thing with Sofee happened, I was upset again, thinking, why can’t people just accept that women of all sizes workout, and they aren’t all tiny, and on top of that, I was speaking with a vendor about what I do, and he was shocked that a larger girl had an athletic apparel line. He said that most of those people you see that have apparel companies are fit and small, like lululemon and lorna jane.. and I said, well no, there are other people out there that workout and don’t look like that, and why can’t WE own workout apparel companies?? or for that matter, are normal sized women not allowed to wear workout clothes?? haha.. I just don’t get it.. I don’t get why people act this way, treat people this way, and wonder why we have low self esteem or get upset about the way we look… I’m still working so hard to be able to get the word out there that no matter what your size, you can enjoy life, and workout and have awesome clothes to workout in!!! I’m getting there ladies.. I am!

    Anyways, longest, rant, post, ever, so I’m sorry for that, but fact of the matter is, love yourself ok? Don’t be lame and sad like me, be happy, and enjoy the journey….

  • Episode 5… What is Crossfit??

    this is why crossfit is awesome - because I do it in a dress! HAHA

    this is why crossfit is awesome – because I do it in a dress! HAHA

    SO, I know I talk about crossfit, all the time, so here’s a little rundown about what it is and why I think you should do it! (and below the blog there’s a few terms so that you can understand some of the things we are saying in the PODCAST! 🙂 

    In the shortest definition possible, Crossfit is the “sport of fitness.” Crossfit combines elements of cardiovascular/respiratory endurance, stamina, strength, flexibility, power, coordination, agility, balance, and accuracy, using a combination of fast-paced functional movements, Olympic lifts, and gymnastics.

    In short terms, crossfit is a quick, hard, workout.. 🙂 both body weight movements and throwing actual weight… it’s how you can get in shape and FEEL GREAT hahaha with awesome workouts everyday.

    Now, everyone says, CrossFit is a cult, and sure, it has cult like tendencies…. People talk about it WAY too much, people ask, hey, do you do CrossFit, etc… but that’s only because the people that do it, they really love it. They love the fact that it’s different then your traditional workout at the gym, or a workout class at the gym, or doing P90X on your own…

    This is my account… I was SOOOO scared to do it the first time, because I only felt like Elite athletes could do it, the people at my gym that had started doing CrossFit were the best of the best.. and I thought, oh HELL no, I’m not good enough to do this… till I did my first workout.. Filthy Fifty. It sucked, but you know what, I was HOOKED after that workout… people cheered me on, and pushed me to finish this grueling workout… From that point on, I knew, I had found something that was going to get me out of my slump of being over-weight, and give me the confidence again that I was good at a “sport”…

    This is OUR crossfit BOX - many different bodies here, and ALL just as AWESOME as the rest...

    This is OUR crossfit BOX – many different bodies here, and ALL just as AWESOME as the rest…

    It really did change my way of thinking… Before CrossFit, if I walked into a globogym, I felt uncomfortable, I didn’t want people to see me workout and see how I looked, and didn’t want them to see my big strong legs… and NOW I don’t care… No matter what I look like, because I’m certainly not thin or even close to that, but I have this feeling and thought that I’m nice and strong and athletic again and that’s the best feeling in the world… I just have this new swagger about me, yeah I said it, swagger HAHAHA, but I’ve completely changed my way of thinking.. I don’t see myself as this large and in charge women, I see myself as a strong badass athlete.

    So that’s what the podcast is about – it’s about our takes on what we feel like crossfit is really about… and again, not trying to push anything on anyone, but just trying to explain why I love it so much, why it’s worked for me, and why CrossFit as a community is much more than you see on TV with these buff elite athletes, 99% are normal regular people like us… so, take a listen, and let me know what YOU THINK!

    Crossfit terms:

    WOD: Workout of the Day

    Although Crossfit combines many other elements, one of the key characteristics is a daily workout, hence the “workout of the day”. These are either done “AMRAP” (see below for definition) in a certain amount of time; or complete a circuit as fast as possible.

    AMRAP: As many reps as possible

    AMRAP workouts are timed with a fixed time limit in which you need to do As Many Reps (repitions) As Possible. The higher the number, the better!

    EMOM: Every minute, on the minute

    Another type of workout with a fixed time limit is EMOM, or every minute on the minute. These workouts are also scored as how many reps you can do overall, but note that as time goes on your rest periods will likely get shorter!

    RX: As prescribed

    The goal for any crossfitter is to be able to do the workouts RX’ed, or as prescribed. Since Crossfit workouts can be scaled based on abilities  the goal is to work your way up to what the workout is supposed to be like. Examples of scaling could be using a lighter weight, completing less repetitions, or doing assisted pull-ups.

    PR: Personal Record

    With any workout or lift, the goal is to strive for a PR, or personal record. This is a great way to measure progress and track results!

     

     

    [powerpress]

  • Shopping for clothes… sucks!

    8eb1fe3153b8d044f0dc641248d48a32Alright, who’s with me? Going into that silly little dressing room, is the bane of your existence. Bringing in a pile of clothes that you HOPE fit you, different sizes, different colors, and on TOP of all of that, all the DAMN mirrors… the ones that you can see a 360 view of what you REALLY look like… UGH.. shopping.. shopping sucks.

    I went to target this morning because I wasn’t loving my outfit, and I had a gift card left from christmas, so I said what the heck, it’s 70 degrees, let’s see if there are any cute dresses I could rock today! (and of course with the Target Cartwheel App, there was 15% off of dresses today! :)) Anyways, I pick out a few, and walk into that awesome dressing room – 2 please… 2 dresses that I PRAY fit. (ps. I really do love fashion and when I can fit into all the clothes on pinterest, we are going to have a real problem, I am going to be even more broke than I am now… I think that’s actually why I stay my size, so I can’t fit in all the cute clothes and go broke! HAHAHA)

    Now, anyone that knows me, know’s I wear a ton of tank tops haha so that I can feel more secure in my clothing, and I didn’t have to take them off, nor did I take my leggings off to try on my clothes… ugh but standing there, in my leggings and tank tops – i was like EW i just hate this, I hate this so much, I can see everything, I’m judging EVERYTHING, and this is MISERABLE. I throw on the first dress, (a shirt dress, i love them because they are just so easy to throw on with a cute pair of boots and go) and miraculously, it FIT. It’s hard enough with my awesome MUSCLES on my arms to fit into stuff with sleeves, and I always have to get a size up JUST to fit my damn arms, but this one dress fit great. But then, I put on the second dress… and nope, no game.. same size and everything but that thing was NOT going to fit my arms… UGH – makes me so mad… and I don’t have patience for this crap, so the minute something doesn’t fit, I could have 100 more things to try, I’m like NOPE, nope, DONE DONE get me back in my other clothes and get me out of here…. I was so mad that I started crying… this THIS IS why I hate HATE shopping… half of the time I never even walk into that damn dressing room, I buy everything I like, and try it on at home, so I don’t have the mirror behind me and I can’t see what I look like from behind… granted, the stuff that doesn’t fit, never goes back, and that’s also probably half the reason I’m broke haha – but hey, if anyone wants some never worn clothes, hit me up!

    So I walked out with one outfit, a nice little cotton dress an a denim shirt to go over it… made me feel good, no arms, but hey, it worked for today. But I also walked out feeling defeated and pissed off… And to top it off, all the cute bathing suits were out, and I was like oh great… in a month or so, I’ll be looking for a new bathing suit, kill me now!

    I wish shopping were easier, but we all have to do it – so I guess we have to suck it up and try to not let it effect us, but it’s just so damn hard!

    Now that I have spring fever, all I want is to is wear all these cute outfits!!!!

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  • Beauty and your inner Beast!

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    So, before the last photo shoot, I got to thinking, I really wanted to do something different this time… I wanted to show that there’s more to us than what’s on the outside…. And everyone knows that, but I wanted to actually hit the nail on the head and show everyone how important it is to remember what you’ve got inside you… that inner beast that at some point in the day, show’s it’s awesome face!!!

    I don’t know what it is about me, and why I can’t just get it out of my head that I’m not good enough… on a daily basis I judge myself, I remind myself that I’m a big girl, I’m not pretty enough, I’m flat out not good enough and no matter how much weight I lose, how healthy I eat, how much I hit the gym, I don’t know if that thought will ever go away…. not sure why I just can’t GET RID OF THOSE voices in my head… because it’s funny, the minute I walk into the gym, those thoughts go out of my head… and my inner beast COMES OUT.. and when I say inner beast, I mean my super strong BADASS beast.. I turn into another person. The thoughts of “I’m not good enough”, go right out the door the minute I lift up a bar. That’s what I love… is yeah, it sucks that I can’t get rid of my negative thoughts, BUT, I do realize, that there’s more to me than just what’s on the outside, but there’s a whole other BEAST right inside me that gets out everyday…

    This tank means a lot to me. I wanted something that women could put on, and know, hey, I’m beautiful, I’m happy, and I know it (I know YOU DO even though I’m still working on reminding myself of that), and I’m going to tell everyone that, that I’m a beauty, but the minute I get into that gym, or that studio, or wherever it is that I release my inner beast, and I CAN SEE IT, look right at the mirror and say, hey, there you are, there’s that beast. I see it right in my shirt.

    I hate how much we are told by society that if we don’t look a certain way that we aren’t good enough, so I keep wanting to prove to society that we are… big, small, short, tall, a lot of people think that they have to be something they’re not because they might not be perfect, well that’s not true…. we all work towards something, being stronger or being in better shape or eating healthy, and I just want people to know that they aren’t alone, and when you wear things like this, you aren’t only showing that you’re awesome, but you’re helping the people around you too!

    Show your inner beast, because every beauty, has a badass strong awesome person along with that beautiful exterior. And you can pre-order the shirt here!

    By the way, I wanted to say, in all our photo shoots, we use real women and we don’t touch them up – real women wear real workout clothes, so no need to do photo shoots and make people look like a totally different person! And we all love being models, so, below, check out some of the awesome ladies that love their beauty, and also their inner beast’s! 🙂

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    beauty-andrea

    beauty-danielle

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    beauty-andrea

    beauty-pam