Ok, I’m going to be real here for a minute, and maybe make some of you hate me… but I have vowed to be open and talk about issues that I’m having in my personal life, and I think I want to talk about this one… I want to be honest with myself and all of you, the good and the bad, and I want to hold myself to a higher accountability level, not just in weight loss but yeah, in normal life too — so, here we go.
Have your insecurities ever come back to haunt you? What if you hated something so much that you ended up being the person you hated so much? A situation happened this past weekend, and it really REALLY got me thinking.. I was an asshole to someone that didn’t deserve me being that way to. It was very much out of character for me, and I will say, alcohol had a ton to do with the situation… There’s no excuse for my actions, but I know that alcohol was the main reason this happened… (considering i would have never done this in a sober state)… ANYWAYS, after remembering and being TOLD what I had done and how I had acted, I really wanted to know why. Why did I decide that it was ok to act like that or why did it trigger those feelings? So, that whole question of WHY has triggered this post.
In middle school and high school I was never EVER a cool/popular kid, I had a few small groups of friends, but that was it. I wasn’t rich, I never had the coolest trends, I always wore baggy clothes to hide the fact that I was chubby.. I was a annoying, overweight, non-attractive average girl, in a small school trying to get through the day without feeling shitty about myself.. now I had my own issues that I had to deal with self-esteem and things I was being told at home, (which I’ve touched upon in past posts and why I believe I have NO self esteem what-so-ever now in life, but of course, when you are 16 you don’t realize that hahaha) A girl that ENVY’ed the popular girls.. of course, you wanted to be like them, it seemed like life was so much better being one of them! But at the same time, they treated you like shit, and you took it. Because, what else are you supposed to do, right? Isn’t that how the high-school food chain works? People that you thought were awesome, made you feel like crap, by picking on you and bullying you, but you took it, you didn’t stand up for yourself because you didn’t know any better, and you thought that was just how the world works. It made high-school really shitty for me. It’s funny, everyone’s always like, man I wish I could go back to high-school, I loved those days… haha nope, no way in hell. The minute I went to college was the best day of my life, I got to be a new person that no one knew, and I wasn’t just this weird-o girl who was trying to fit in… College was the best time of my life, and it was because I got to start fresh, and be the person I really was and wanted to be.. the person you see now.
I have a lot of inner demons from those days… not only from just feeling like I was worthless from my dads standpoint – but because I never really felt like I got to enjoy my younger teen years… yeah, I sit here and I complain about how shitty school was, but the times I did have with my friends were awesome, I just wish there were more of them, and I wish that there were fewer days that I hated going to school because I knew someone would be picking on something about me…. So what does that have to do with this weekend?
There’s a girl I know, and she’s really pretty, and looks like a lot of the girls that tormented me in high school… and you can ask anyone, for the most part, I can really mesh and get along with anyone.. but for some reason, I didn’t get to know her, and I labeled her, honestly, felt like I was back in high school… I labeled her a girl that was going to pick on me.. so what did I do? I was a jerk, and while I was drunk I told her I didn’t like her and she was a crappy person… I MEAN WHY? I don’t even know her… but the feelings I had were just that of, put your guard up, before she picks on you, pick on her (which she would have never done because she’s not a jerk like I assumed she was)… Why did I instantly become the person I hated when I was growing up – the tables turned and I was suddenly the mean girl…. was it a defense mechanism? A defense mechanism to WHAT? haha she hadn’t even done anything… I’m probably the only one that has ever done that, and let me tell you, I want to hope you haven’t, because it was mean, horrible and so rude of me to do, but honestly, I really think it just all boils down to high school and my head, with alcohol, just thinking, put your guard up, don’t let it happen again… So, if you’re reading this, and you have a totally different perspective of me, I understand, but I wanted to talk about this because I think it makes sense, and I want to hope I will never go down that path again… I feel like I’m sitting on a shrinks couch right now haha.